Linger in my LIFE

Two days ago, I received a text from a guy friend whom I have known for almost 6 years in this coming September.

Although it doesn’t matter to the world, I feel the needs to write it out and get it out of my system FOR GOOD! For those whoever come across anyone like this person, be cautious and beware because it can cause you a certain level of emotional damage where you don’t deserved to be put in.

Before, I get into details what the text is all about. Let me share how I met him and how this text has somewhat affect me in some way although I likes to denial that it doesn’t but it does!

This friend is someone whom I have came to known and get acquaintance through a network online. I encountered him when I was 21, he was around 27 (as he had told me), I was in my second years in college, young and excited about exploring the world out there. Since I have gaps between classes, and to kill some time, I stumble upon a music site (this site is no longer existed) which also has forum and chat room for people to meet. It’s the place where I met him.

He and I continue to keep in tough. It start off as casual meeting through that forum/chatting sites, it lead to exchanging phone numbers then talking on the phone. Our conversation flow naturally and I always looks forward to talking to him on the phone. Over time, I started to develop emotions for him. I sometime would wonder to myself, how in the world am I developing emotions and an attachment for a person I barely know.  The strange, and very strange things about our conversation is…he always kept it short; never longer then 10 minutes. By converse with him for about three months, I notices the pattern and question him why he always kept it short? His reply was that he is not a phone person. We were just friendly conversation buddies on the phone. He enjoy the conversation with me as much as I do with him.   He is someone whom I could see myself possible dating but with the strange short times he willing to invest in getting to know me, it is a red flag for me to be cautious. I am always a woman who tense to used my logic more then my emotions and never really give into any men unless I notices he is worth my investment for the long run.

3 months lead to 9 months… the short minutes conversation really bother me and created doubts in my mind that something isn’t right. When I first meet him back in September of 2006, he told me he never been married. I kept asking him as time go by regards to his marital status cause its obvious something isn’t right. His words and what he told me doesn’t match up and he start to show sign of interested in me. I didn’t want to put myself through something which I am not prepare for nor do I wants to get involved. So he finally say something like this…“Well, I’m not married but I’m living with someone. I have a son with that person”. Again, very strange! I wonder and ask him, wait…how in the world are you not married? have a kid with someone else? And she let you chat, talk and date women on the side? It just doesn’t sum up right to me.

9 months lead to a year, of still keeping in contact. I have NEVER met this person in person (face-to-face). Our acquaintance with one another is all done through online and on the phone conversation only. As this one year approach, he finally sorta confess piece and bits of his lies and his life to me. He finally said, he is married and they have a son together however, they never really go through with their wedding. So he don’t consider them married. For the logic person I am, I don’t buy it at all. I told him that whether he is married or not, it’s not in my concern cause there is nothing for me to be worry about. I told him that if he is really married, he needs to stop contacting me and it is WRONG! I wants him to go and love his wife because she deserved it all. I remind him that I wouldn’t want another woman to steal my husband away from me too knowing that he is a married me (that is if in the near future…lolz).

His plan in this conversation courtship was to make me fall deep for him and married me to be his “Niam Yau”, second wife. When I am in too deep and not able to dig myself out then I will give in. As he mention to me, it didn’t go accordingly to his plan. I am a person with great moral which I stand by. By knowing that he is a married man is already enough for me to accepted so how will I ever put myself through such a life style as a second wife?  When I know his reason, I was not upset or mad but oddly shutter and sad for the situation. I know I deserved better; and for someone to lies to me to get my love was just completely WRONG! I was sad and shuttle because I was attached to him through our conversation. He was a great looking man who has a good head on his shoulder (or so he told me). We share a lots of common goals, and life values which create a bonding between us; everything was just right the way I wanted in a Hmong man.

As the years row on, 1 year turn into 2 and 3 years…this man still keep in touch with me off and on; once a month or once in a few months; just causal conversation, checking up on me through texts and a few time on phone. I can’t completely stop the contact between us which I should have but he was someone whom I was fond with and a causal conversation won’t hurt anyone; cause obviously I am not pursuing him or cause any damage to anyone (or so I think I do not cause any damage). Between the 3rd-4th years of acquaintance with this Hmong man through conversation, I actually starting to get tired of the routine with him. I needs to mentally move on and forget about him and stop the contact between us. Other things was happening to me on the side too. I will save that for another blog. I finally decided to change my number. I been doing so good without contacting him nor he contacting me since my number has been change. I change my number due to other reason more than base it on him.

It’s half a year since we have no connection with each other. In Spring of 2009, I thought of him and thinking to myself “Oh it won’t hurt to do a friendly check on him and see how he is doing,” when I should know better not to contact him. I went ahead and text him. Once again, he reply back and continues our off and on text with one another. This time, he call me and told me that LIFE has change dramatically for him. I was a bit surprise because his life seem to be prefect; he run a business, his wife is working towards her PhD and they own a house. When we stop contacting each other back a year ago, everything seem just fine with him. He has told me many time that he will never divorce his wife and only looking for addition to his family. Which I know for sure, the life style doesn’t suit for me and try to distance myself from going any further with him. So I listen and ask him how much has LIFE change for him?

He uncover his life story to me. I am not 100% sure if what he told me was true cause who knows, I only hear one side of the story. He is now a divorcee. He wife graduate with her PhD and was cheating on him.They argue a few times and she choose to leave him and his son. (BTW, his wife is not Hmong…he told me she is Korean and Viet/Chinese mix). I can sense the way he talk. He was more down to earth, his pride ego wasn’t much noticeable through his words,  he was actually more acceptance and there was a sense of sympathies in his words. Life must really took it’s toll on him.

Through many of the conversations we have off and on, I told him that I don’t believed him cause he has always lies to me in some way; one way or another. It doesn’t matter if he is divorce or not because it doesn’t change a thing. He wants to convinces me so bad that we actually make a three lines conference call to this parents. His dad pick up the call. He starting to ask his dad to make clarification of his martial status. I acknowledge that I was on the other line too and wants to know. His dad confirm that he is divorce. I guess the thought behind the phone call was to insure that there is a opportunity for us to make something good to come out of it.

With all these sequence, it lead to 2012. After all these years, we still have not meet each other in person. Our acquaintanceship has always been through online from the beginning; now at this point mostly through text and phone conversation. Just in Feb. 2012, he told me that he was finally going to be in town for a family event. He going to make time and meet up with me. Just like any typical girl, I got so excited and can’t wait to meet him in April. I thought to myself, after 5-6 years of knowing each other and it finally going to happen.

As you will find out, it turn out to be another disappointment.

He send me a text and said “[Insert my name], I wanted to wish u all the joy and happiness in the world. Kuv hais rau koj paub tias…Kuv ua ib siab mus yuav pojniam lawm. Tse tiam no, wb txoj hmoo tsis sis ntsib ib zaub li os. Thov koj tsis txob tu siab rau kuv mog. Vim hais tias kuv lub neej yeej tsis muaj lwm txoj kev.”  The second portion read…“I wanna let you know…I finally decided to get married. In this life, we weren’t fortunate enough to meet one another. I hope that you will not be upset towards me. Because I have no other way.”

As I was reading through the text, I can sense my blood rushing to my head. And for the person I am, I am curious to who is he getting married to. Why do he has no other choices/way? Was he in trouble and it was a force marriage of some sort? So I text him back and he wrote “A girl in NC. There’s no problem. I do like her a bit but I’m not getting any younger and it’s time for me to settle down. I can’t see my life being single and raising a kid all by myself. Cov relatives los yeej pom zoo lawm thiab. Tsis xav kos kuv nyob ua nraug laus (The relatives also agreed upon it and don’t want me to be a old unmarried man). I hope you’re not upset. We’ll always be each other’s fantasy lover xwb. She is a Vue, 25 yrs old, never been married.”

I feel the needs to end this once and for all. I want to just throw my anger at him but I have been known for being a kind heart person. So that’s what I did. I respond back to him with a warm loving kind heart: “Kuv tsis tu siab li os lov vim tias qhov no yog txoj kev koj xav taug lawm thiab yog koj txoj kev zoo siab. Txawm wb tsis muaj txoj hmoo tau sib ntsib li lawm los kuv tsuas thov kom koj yuav pojniam zaum no mus raws li koj lub siab ntshaw es muaj lub neej zoo xwb os nawb. Ntawm kuv, koj txob poob siab thiab txov xav txog kuv lawm mog. Txawm li cas los kuv yeej tseem yog ib tug phooj ywg zoo li yav tas los. Rau siab rau koj lub neeh xwb os. Take it easy and have a blessing n beautiful life [insert his name]. GoodBye!” I just simply telling him that I am not upset because it is what he wants and it’s the happiness he is seeking for. Even though we are not fortunate enough to meet one another, I only wish that this marriage will go well and accordingly to what he wants. Whatever the outcome is, I am still always a friend like how I used to be. For him to stay focus, committed to his marriage and his life.

With his last reply, “Thank u [insert my name], u’re always be the best. Bye!”

I got this text two days ago-March 25, 2012.

Last night, I re-analyzed why this text affect me the whole day. I came to the conclusion that at one point, I did like the guy and I wants something good to come out of it; through all those years of knowing him…Just like any typical girls/ladies/women would feel and looking forwards to.

When I finally know he is back in the dating market, it was the prefect opportunity for me and him to rekindle what could had been great if he wasn’t married than. I also wonder to myself if I was the main source cause of his divorce? At one point in those 5-6 years, I realize that I probably would be label as “the other woman”.  But how can I be so harsh on myself? I have never physically in an affair with this man nor had I met him in person. We might had been attached to one another through our casual conversation but nothing more nor do I pursue him and persuade him to be with me. Through out those years, I had always encourage him to be faithful to his now ex-wife because she deserved all his love. Who knows since we both lived in many different states, I am probably one of his many victims. I will never know.

After I got his text, I thought this man is pretty nuts in his mind to even consider such term as “fantasy lover”. Who in the world would wants to continue to do this and be put under stress. Then it click me, all those years, all those hopes he has given me was nothing but a fantasy world he live in and play with my emotion attachment only. It was exactly what he stated in his last text “fantasy lover” and nothing more. He and I never has anything solid to begin with or to concluded with; just lots of hopes and lust after one another. He give hopes, lies and more lies to cover his tracks. I even come to think that his text of getting married is probably another lies to cover up his lies regards to meeting me in April. But you know what, I try to denial that this text doesn’t affect me but it does. I am not heart broken nor upset because there isn’t much to be upset with but simply a lesson to learn from. However I am disappointed and sad that someone like him did not values me and my time. Whenever he wants to come into my life then he just do so and leave when he wish… JUST isn’t right.

The weirdest things about this is…WE ARE NOT EVEN DATING! Just acquainted friends, grown to be fond with one another, likes and enjoy each other’s conversation. He shoulda just not text me and simply do whatever he likes. I wouldn’t care much cause he has always done that. I have so many things going on in my life right now that I barely know he existed anymore. I was talking and seeing people on the side casually anyway so he doesn’t matter much to me as how he used to be. He was the one who has concluded this chapter in our acquaintanceship, I hope he will NEVER contact me nor walk back into my life again. I want some peace of mind and move on. I make a vowed that if he ever contact, I need to be strong and remember what he has done to me and DO NOT RESPONSE! I deserved so much more than what he can ever offer.

Anyway, I was a fool to believed in such a person but it’s okay. It’s a learning experience to be smarter down the road and to better appreciated the rightful man who is yet to walk into my life, lived in my heart and love me for every bits and piece that I am.

My logic side said, forget about it and move on because it was a dumb experience. My emotion side said, be cautious cause there are jerks out there who will play you for a fool, again.

So ladies, be aware; always proceed with precautions. Don’t let lust become an attach cause lust can never be anything more than just a passing breeze.

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