Emotionally Hurt

Today, I am very hurt; emotionally hurt.

I’m all tears up inside, sad because of something which I have no control of. I never really knew or believed that a family’s perception of certain someone or something can be such a big impact on others until it hit me hard directly today.

I have known a guy for three years now. We kept in contact off and on for the past three years. Today, I finally have the courage to spill all my feeling out to him. It all started when he text and stated “I’m not good enuf. Don’t wanna marry me?” I reflected back to the first time when he called me and we talked; and those moments in between that lead us to where we are today. I pour my heart out, letting him know what feelings I always had for him. I have been waiting for the past three year for him to take initiative and it’s amazing how I still keep in touch with him to these days.

This guy is one of the best Hmong man I have ever encountered. From our communication, I would be happy to be married to him any day. When I first met him three years ago, I never knew I will develop such a strong feeling so deep for him. I didn’t know what I have got myself into. The very first time I find him to be worthy of getting to know was his charisma character and personality. That’s what draw me to him. The feeling has grown deeper as I get to know him more over time. He was once married before and that was the least of my concern. I really enjoy the moments I get to spend with him via text, phone and even when I met him in person. I have such a great emotion developing for this man after I have see him in person. I was longing for him but I have to pull myself back because it seem like he did not feel the same way towards me. The strong feeling I have for him actually scared me and didn’t want to lose myself to someone that don’t feel the same as I do nor lose myself to something that isn’t even there. I see myself as a woman with dignity and values myself. I was not gonna allow myself to make a fool out of me, be desperate for him. And if a man who do not reflect on what I have been trying to tell him or share with him which maybe he do not see or feel the same way towards me then it’s best for me to just let him go and cope with my emotion.

He replied back, stating his view of me and expressing his emotion of what he always has of me. We were on the same page with our emotion but what makes him pull back from pursuing further was that one night when he came to pick me up from my aunty’s house ( I was on vacation for July 4th in MN during the time; where I met him for the very first time). My relatives hasn’t really said anything to him but asking about his root and family. He stated, he is sad that my family/relative do not like him; that he is not good enough (for me).

It’s amazing to me that I (the woman) in the relation with this man has to be the one whom to convince the other party to believed otherwise beyond the implication he has assume my family has implied. When the usual, the man is always the one to convince the girl to believed him, to trust him, trust their love…etc. As I was telling him that, my relatives/family are just being precaution  They wants what is best for their children only and he is a parents, he should know.

I do not have another 5 yrs to wonder into this kind of stage where it’s a linger in my life. I have a previous experience similar to this and I refused to repeat the cycle as I had told him today. I was thinking about giving him a duration time period and if he is serious about moving a step further (into a relationship) then he needs to step it up and make it happen or when the duration come and nothing of his action show then we stop this lingering in our life (off and on contact). As this option was playing out in my mind, I decided that it’s not worth it because if he was serious, he would had take initiative yrs ago when he and I first met one another.

I have learned something today; and what happen between him and me confirmed it. I always stand by the belief that no matter what happen, if two person really pursue their love for one another and make it work then it will. Today, it come true. Love will not happen because one of the parties simply give up or doesn’t want to put forth the effort to take on the challenge to break the barrier that is blocking their love.

I feel so out of reach, so out of my control because regardless what I try to tell him, I feel like I am at a loss. I feel sorry that my love and the good of me was not enough to over come such situation. I don’t know where my relation with him will lead from this point forward but I feel a sense of release. Like I have finally lift something so heavy off my shoulder; I get to expressed my true feeling to him. I feel brave and like a warrior; who has won a battle. The battle is my inner struggle with myself.

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