I am in a facebook group forum full of Hmong women who came from all walks of life to share their experience, knowledge as well as hobbies to relationship. Just today, I came across a post thread by a 36 years old Hmong woman who post that she is looking for Mr. Right; never been married!
Before I met my boyfriend, I was in her shoes too. I wonder to myself… where is all the good Hmong men? Questioning myself why I cannot find a suitable man? Then the question turns from questioning the men to the situation then to me. I was (and still am) an out going individual, I socialize with friends, attend family gathering event and even get involve with community but still no luck. I start to wonder that I am hanging out with the wrong crowd or looking at the wrong places and it probably is.
As I incline in ages, I realized that the problem is really not them but me. When I was young, I was shallow and have certain standard for the guys to meet or else I will not even consider them. Now that I am older, it gets harder; the pool of Hmong men gets smaller because Hmong people tense to marry young. At an older age, I know what I am looking for and I’m restricting my pool of men, narrowing them down to a certain characteristic qualities. When we are young, we tense to look for the physical quality but now that I am older, the characteristic qualities are most important and that narrow down the list for me even more.
Anyway, I saw this friend or acquaintance friend of mine comment on the thread. I find her post to be enlightening and full of wisdom behind it. I also see the same way she see it too; now with this old brain of mine. We can’t expect others to rescue us all the time…and… wait for Mr.Right to make us happy and improve our living situation. I sometime said to others that we needs to “think of what we can offer n benefit others rather then what others can do for us. The beauty of being in a relationship is to bring enrichment to the other person”.
Below is the friend’s thought regards to “don’t settle for less” :
” Maybe I’m a little unorthodox or perhaps I analyze too much on each terminology used. I personally don’t like the phrase “don’t settle for less.” It is emphasized so frequently and I don’t quite know what that means. We each have a certain standard, a certain guideline or quota that we would prefer a guy to meet, or else — or so that is the ideal. However, not every guy will meet that standard, as we won’t meet theirs. A man is with a high school diploma may be a hard working man, shows loyalty and effort; he expects nothing more than you to be yourself because he himself doesn’t have much offer but be himself. Whereas, a man with a good career, has good family values is ideal for us, yet he puts us between his family responsibilities and expects us to be the “nyab” material when we cannot be, or more.
As I emphasized so many times, we’re not here just to learn from others, waiting for others to give to us, to teach us or to help us or even for them to come in our lives to enrich our world. We are born with certain strengths, talents, skills and so on. We’re also here to teach them, to benefit them, to strengthen what they lack, to love them and to care for them, whatever it is that they may lack. To say that you shouldn’t settle for less is to say that he must give you the moon and stars but what if he doesn’t have the resources to give you all of that even if he so much want to? What if you have the necessary skills and talents to benefit him and to enrich his world? Will you be so selfish not to share it?
To say that you don’t want to settle for less, is to say that the guy has to have a steady job, know how to treat you at all times, call you every day to tell you that you’re beautiful or give in to your needs and certainly must make you a happy woman every day and night. What if he’s never had all of that and didn’t know how but was willing to, yet you didn’t give him a chance just because your first impression was that he seem unstable? What if he needed is a strong woman to make him a good man? Where does his needs come in? What kind of a woman are you or what kind of a woman do you want to become in your relationship? Think of it as, if you are that confident woman that you claim you are, if you are that good woman that you claim you are, if you are that career oriented person that you say you are, if you have good morals and come from a strong family and he’s lacks that, why not challenge yourself to find a guy who needs you. Find someone who “NEED” you. Imagine how grateful he would love you even more if you could give him all that which he needed? We love superhero’s and Knight In Shining Armors. We’re always looking for someone to sweep us off of our feet. What if you can be his heroin? Yes, there are some guys who will take advantage but what about the ones who really are trying but no one gives them the benefit of the doubt just because they seem unstable, or lacks a few things here and there? Do we not lack certain things too?
If you had a choice between a house that is already nicely built and someone just handed it to you on a silver platter, or what if someone gave you all the materials and everything you need to build a house from scratch the way that YOU want it, which would you chose? Relationships are built, not given. When you built it, you know every corner of the house and what kind of foundation it was built on.
Today will not be the same as 20-30 years from now. Today, you are strong-willed and strong-minded and healthy so you’re looking for Mr.Right who could give you everything, neglecting the ones that lack few things here and there. Someday when he’s given you everything and run out and can’t please you anymore, one of you will bicker and whine. Always think long term; that person that you settled for will probably be the only person standing next to your death bed. It’s because he don’t have much but you were willing to give him a chance and he took that chance and decided to take all the wood and brick and cement and build that house from scratch with you from his very own hands. You two not only put team effort but memories that is everlasting, that’s why that person who is “less” is still standing. When all is said and done, we can’t turn back time but memories is all that we have left. Often times, even in the worse of relationships, we stay together because we don’t want to lose those memories. A healthy relationship is built, not given.
Luag tej neeg ntse hais tias kom yus txawj txo yus lub fwjchim. Yog yus txawj txo yus lub fwjchim ces tus neeg phem los nws yog neeg zoo, tus neeg zoo nws tseem zoo tshaj qho yus siab xav… “