Anonymous asks ” I do not have question to ask but I likes to share part of my struggle and misfortune that lead me to find love again and the happy marriage I am at right now.
I have follow this page for quite some time now and heard so many stories on here about unhappy in marriage. After given much thought to my life, I will likes to share my marriage with our youth and give them some hope in marriage. I am currently married for 8 years now and I am looking forward to another happy 8 years as well as many more years to come. Before I explain how marriage life at my end is like and how I got here to where I am today, let me insight you with where I’m coming from.
I am just a typical Hmong boy grow up in a big Hmong family; just like everyone else. Always been told by my parents to stay in school and work hard because education is the new thing; the only tool which will give me the life my parents cannot have nor give it to me. Growing up, watching my parents farm for a living; seeing them struggle to provide for me and my siblings really makes me mature at an early age beyond my peers. (And yes, there are still parents these days farming in America for a living. So don’t be too surprised by it because that’s the only thing they know how to do for a living.) I was the oldest of the 7 kids and there are pressure and expectation for me. The burden of building a solid path for my younger siblings to follow definitely was enforced into my brain daily.
At the age of 25, I lost my father to cancer and have to become the head household for my family. I was a college grad and just started my career in the business field for about a year and half. My mother pressured (just like any mother would pressure) me to married my girlfriend Nkauj Sheng (let’s called her Nkauj Sheng); of almost 2 years relationship. Nkauj Sheng was a young lady who was 23 years old at the time and about to finish her Bachelor degree in Public Health. Due to my circumstance, I do not want her to suffer along side with my family and was not ready to enforce marriage upon us both so soon. Just like any typical Hmong family, Nkauj Sheng’s family worried about the circumstance I was in and disapproval of our courtship. She is a woman that will make any man happy; family oriental, smart and educated, beautiful with a loving heart that willing to give more then she has. Her family didn’t want her to suffer with me; they threaten to disown her if she ever gets married to me. I can understand where her family is coming from because I also fear the same thing that I will not be able to fully fulfill her desire, needs and wants. Nkauj Sheng’s family is very important to her and she wants them to be a part of her future so we both agreed to break up. She makes life more miserable for me then it was already. I was hurt, shutter and broken because she was really my first love. Although I have date a few girls off and on while in college, there was nothing that measure to what Nkauj Sheng and I have.
My heart still ace from my last relationship. I run into a few women here and there but It was difficult for me to accepted and be committed to them. Then my mother got remarried, leaving my siblings and me behind. That was when it got me thinking about the future. I was 28 at the time; have a good pay career, working on my MBA, supporting the family, and just got back into the dating field, living the good life of a bachelor. I was losing hope in love and finding a single successful Hmong woman at my age was out of luck. I thought to myself like any typical person would think—that all good women/people are married, no one good is left for me.
When you think you are out of luck, that’s when luck do strike. I attended a friend of mine’s birthday gathering party and encountered a young woman who is 25 years old at the time who is now my beautiful and amazing wife of 8 years. Paj (lets called her Paj) and I have such a great time talking to one another that night so I ask for her number. We started to talk and casually seeing one another since that night. She was nothing like my ex-girlfriend Nkauj Sheng and that’s what got me so crazy about her. Paj was so much more. She is beautiful, educated, intelligent and quite clever, very passionate about what she believed in. She is a talented individual and one of the very few women who can enlighten you with insights. We dated for two years then got married after I finished my MBA; I was 30 and she was 27 at the time. Since I do not have a father and my mother was remarried, it was another tough stage for me to pull a wedding through. I have to be my own parents. Like typical Hmong people, my uncles and aunties worry about me coming over to their house to borrow their money to pay for the bride’s price. What they don’t know is that, their worry is one of the biggest concerned I have while I was in my mid 20s when my father passed away. Therefore, I have been saving up and was able to pay for my own bride without the help of anyone. All they do is help me with the wedding ceremony only.
Right now, my wife and I have two beautiful kids; I’m currently 38 and she is 35 years old. We both work and have good paying career. She is working towards her MBA and will graduate this coming June. Being married at a much older age, makes us both see that it’s well worth the wait. Both of us learned to let go of our ego and work together as a team to better our life. There is no you or I in our marriage but just us and we. We do have our ups and downs but at the end of the day, our love for one another only grows with time. Our disagreements bring us closer and we embrace our differences to strengthen our love in marriage. Marriage is not easy and it doesn’t come with a written manual. It’s either you work hard and give good reason to everything you do and stick together to work every problem through or you both fall apart because you don’t see the goodness you do in support of the other person.The important things I have learned in my 8 yrs of marriage are:
1) Always willing to communicate; because it give you insight to understand your spouse, we cannot read mind.
2) When so heat up at both end, separated yourself from your spouse because anything come out of your mouth only make the situation worse.
3) Learn to give space when requested by the other person.
4) Dinner date once a month at the least; women love that and it’s my appreciation of the wonderful things she has done for me, my kids and family.
5) Great sex; always keep your sexuality activity interesting and spice up.
6) Embrace what you have and learn to be more appreciated of the things or person in your life.
7) Don’t let other temptation gets the best of you.
8) Support your spouse emotionally, mentally and physically! Regardless what she/he wants to pursue in.
9) Believed in your spouse, created trust; avoid gossip and rumor because those are things that will and can destroy you and your marriage.
10) Always try to be optimistic and looks for the best in every situation to avoid conflict or make the situation worse than it ready is.
Just in case if you wonder what happen to my family; siblings. They all are grown up; most are married and have a great paying job. The youngest sister is about to graduate from college and my mother’s second marriage didn’t go well for her so she is back to lived with me and my wife.
As for my ex-girlfriend Nkauj Sheng, the last time I hear about her, she got married 2 yrs after we broke up. Since then I have not heard anything of her from friends. I only wish her a good marriage and hope that she fined happiness. Although she has hurt me badly, it isn’t right to wish her any harm. She was a good girlfriend to me at the time.
By sharing this story with you, it just a sincere regards that good marriage does existed. Your marriage is as good as you make of it. Don’t be discouraged by those failure marriages you see or heard in the Hmong community or through this page. You are not them nor do you live your life by their or the community standard. You must take charge of yourself, your life and lived by your own standard. Life always throws misfortune at your path and you never know what it will be. Therefore, always be prepared for whatever it may come your way; especially if you are in a situation where you know others will not step in to rescue you nor do you have anyone to fall back on. Thank you for taking your time in reading my story. Please do share your happy marriage story with us and the younger generation. Let’s give the youth some hope to believed in marriage and in love that good thing do happen when you are less expected. “